I heard Richard Dawkins talk yesterday at a conference and as much as I would like to deny, his intellect and verbal skills are really to be admired. After listening to his well-constructed arguments against the Holy Bible and Christian doctrines for a good half hour, it led me thinking, “Why did I choose to believe the existence of God despite not having any clear cut evidence at my disposal?” Evidences that could be readily flaunted to anyone who wishes to oppose my faith. And then it dawned on me… I was starting to question my faith.
It was time for bed and I was still trying hard to keep my faith together. I realised that the moment when I started to question my faith was also when I started to demolish my own identity. My entire life was crumbling like a Lego structure being violently struck to the ground. There seemed to have been no reason, no evidence, no argument that was strong enough to go against the thoughts that Richard had planted in my head. I read the Bible but no mind blowing scripture jumped out. I felt that my prayers were not loud enough that night to reach heaven.
Finally, I asked God to do one last thing before I called it a day. I said, “God if You can hear me, please respond.” I turned my lamp off and fell asleep.
When my alarm went off the next morning, I was smiling. Because in my last dream sequence I was line dancing with a group of dear friends to the tune of “Buttercup”, choreographed nicely that was almost similar to Macarena. I was humming the tune and dancing the routine even in the shower.
I caught my usual train and managed to get a good seat despite the rush hour. I was ecstatic as that did not happen very often.
I came to work with a smile that just could not be erased through the day. It could not have been that Buttercup dream still, I thought. But my elated mood just went on until our company evening drinks where, for the first time, I chose to lead conversations and cracked jokes that caused loud laughter from everyone. I also found myself laughing hysterically with them – including colleagues whom I would have found otherwise annoying.
On my train ride back home, I started thinking about Richard’s talk again. But instead of being disturbed, I found deep peace in me. Peace that I could not explain, as if it was shielding me from distress.
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4;7
To cap the Friday off, I had a nice Malaysian dinner with my girlfriend to celebrate our ten beautiful months of being together. Needless to say, she found me suspiciously joyful tonight.
It is now that I realize what has happened. God has been responding to my plea the entire day. But He did not want to speak in ways that I was asking Him to. He instead did it through what He specializes in: Making us feel loved, which then causes joy to overflow from us – oftentimes defying human logic.
“…God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” -Romans 5:5
I still think I am nowhere close to reason with Richard, but I have resolved to leave that matter with Christian apologetics who would do a far better job.
As for me, I resolve to keep on believing that God exists. Not because I have clear-cut evidence or fool-proof arguments, but because of the love and joy that overflow from my heart. And it’s all because of Him.
He exists, my heart says so!
“…blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” -John 20:29
*photo credit to http://www.americancatholic.org/.